In my life I’ve had 2 fascinations related to Sweden: Swedish pop band of the 90s - Roxette and SAAB. Roxette was something that happened organically (MTV?), but the same cannot be said about the SAAB. Ugly looking hatchback of pre-2003 era did not attract my (or my wife’s) attention. We’ve passed the Turpin owned SAAB dealership on our way to Carling Acura. Luckily for us, Camco Acura is run by idiots, who decide what car you will buy by what you are currently driving. So after being brushed off at the dealership, we’ve made a stop at Turpin.
This was the start of an affair. The laser-red, as they called it, 2004 SAAB 9-3 was not what we have expected. It was very moody, with a character of it’s own. Right of the lot, the car did not like me. It would squeak the brakes randomly, vibrate the shifter in third gear or peel the plastic on some buttons. We’ve tried to sell it several times and people came to buy it, but it wouldn’t let us give the keys. Buyers were upset, but left empty-handed. It didn’t mind that we’ve had other cars in between, it knew it’s place and wouldn’t let any other vehicle take it (on some of our cars even the dealer stock tags never came off the keychain). It became a part of our family.
Time went by, but aside from a few plastic scratches, the car didn’t feel old. If you wanted it go very fast, very quickly - it never said “no” and never complained. Sure, the age was showing - it was almost 8 years old and some parts had to be replaced, but it was nothing major. You could easily take it on long road trips or beat a much younger and more immature BMW that thought it could pass the SAAB on the lights. I could feel that it did not want to get old.
Times were changing. GM went bankrupt, closed dealerships. The new SAAB company was strapped for cash. Manufacturing halted and the company started going through liquidation. Parts were expensive to order and find (a new SAAB key, for example, was going for $1000+ on eBay). My SAAB felt it and did not like it. It knew that in no time it will become a driving museum, held together by aftermarket parts. The last straw came when one cold morning the driver door would not close because of the freezing temperatures. When I finally closed it, I had to get in and out through the passenger side throughout the day. My SAAB was never the same since.
It was a cold, winter morning - no different than any other in Ottawa. I went to the garage, wiped the salt of the mirrors and drove out, waving “good morning” to our neighbour. Everything seemed to be fine - I was listening to my old music collection, since everything new is annoying. I didn’t pay any attention to it at the time, but one of the early Roxette albums was playing. Sipping on my coffee, I was washing down a bagel I ate earlier. Everything is moving slow and then - a yellow light! Still too far, what do I do? SAAB acted on my behalf and I went through in the last second. After that things were pretty uneventful, until an old lady in a motorized cart (Hyundai Accent) decided to slowly drive across a two lane road. I’ve slammed the brakes and sounded the horn, but it wasn’t in my SAAB’s plans to stop. It rammed into the Hyundai, deployed the passenger airbag (even though I was alone in the car) and emitted what sounded like a sigh. I’ve turned off the music and the car and stepped outside. The old lady was fine (side curtain airbags, plus I wasn’t going that fast).
That was pretty much it. After I shut it off, the SAAB never started again. The mechanics at the body-shop were hovering around with a Canadian Tire defibrillator, trying to revive it, but I knew it was gone. The whole thing was very well orchestrated - no matter how little the damage is on the body, no insurance agency will agree to replace the airbags on an 8 year old car. At the same time, it didn’t deploy the driver airbag, so I don’t get hit with it in the face.
This was probably the SAAB’s only unselfish act over the period of our relationship. It was always very temperamental and opinionated - if it didn’t like how you drove or what you did - surely enough there will be a nail in the tire. On another hand, the car was never in-your-face. It didn’t sound that annoying “put your seat-belt on immediately” alarm when you just started moving (you know the cars I’m talking about, much like hall monitors in a school, trying to stop you when you are running late somewhere.) or lock the doors unpredictably with the keys inside, or worse - record your top speed on the on-board computer (I’m looking at you Chrysler! You’re wasting your energy on the wrong things - better fix that chronic oil leakage on your cars!)
It had a character and it went as it lived. As much as I miss it, both of us knew this was for the best. It knew it will never be replaced. With the company going bankrupt, most likely there will not be another SAAB (even then, no 2 identical SAABs are the same). It knew my taste and realized I may get a German (cold and sterile!) or a Japanese car (what’s the point in getting a Japanese car? They have so few problems you don’t even feel like you own a vehicle! It all just blends in with the everyday life, leaving you with no memorable moments.), but it didn’t care.
There was no funeral. I’ve taken my belongings out at the body-shop, each with a memory of the past, realizing that I will probably never see the car again. Knowing the SAAB, it will not let anyone repair it (even though the damage is not that great). At best, it will probably be ripped by vultures and sold for parts on eBay.
As a side note, Roxette is back, after many years on hiatus - touring the world. They don’t look like they did 20 years ago and I’m sorry I’ve seen their pictures. As one of my favourite Russian bands once sang (who, ironically, has been on stage even longer) - it’s best to sink your ship at the right moment, rather than wait for it to become a floating joke.
